The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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