my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
