I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
