Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
