he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
