So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish you could order shots online.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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