Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
