well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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