sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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