no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
