my phone needs a breathalizer
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
