i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
