Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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