Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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