omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
