I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
