drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
