i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
