Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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