Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
