with your own penis?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
