I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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