i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
