I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
