So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
