I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
