He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
