I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
