According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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