bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
