chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I forgot how hot balto sounded
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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