apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
