i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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