I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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