Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
