Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
