omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
