i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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