the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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