apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
