Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
