Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
