so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
