Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
