I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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