Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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