Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
