She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
