I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
