It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
