Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
