I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
What drink are we having for lunch?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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