i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
