ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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